A Gentle Reminder

**Potential Trigger Warning**

I’ve come to realize these past few days that while I have come a very far ways in such a short time, I still have a very long way to travel along my journey before I can consider myself fully in “remission” from my suicidal depression. I’ve been able to be so strong for so long that I honestly thought perhaps I’d kicked this in the bud and was well on the path of recovery; however, the recent backslide was a very clear and painful reminder that control is just an illusion and this is one disease that is far more cunning and stealthy than I had given it credit for. A very naive and–honestly–dumb thing to do.

I’ve also realized from looking back at my journals and meditation studies that I’ve put way more credence into being “strong” than I should have. I somehow convinced myself that “holding it together” while I was “falling apart inside” was strength. In truth? Its a weakness.

Fear.

That’s all doing that truly shows. It shows that we’re afraid of revealing how we honestly feel. And fear is the one thing that has the greatest impact on our depression. Fear makes us stay silent when we should be vocalizing how we feel. Fear holds our tongues when others tell us what we feel. We’re afraid of what our loved ones will think and feel when we tell them how much pain we feel. We’re afraid that we’ll hurt them by making them feel somehow inadequate in making us “better”and somehow our silence and pretending everything is fine is better for them while more devastating for us. Fear is what kills us. It isn’t truly the depression…sadness never killed anyone. The fear has.

Suicide is the result of the sum of all our fears finally allowing us to give in to that deep darkness that is Depression. Even the very word: Depression means “A sunken place, a hollow on the surface, and comes from the Latin meaning of To Press Down”. It is an action, while we look at it as the actual cause, it is the action of the cause and the cause is fear.

Now fear isn’t the thing most make it sound like. I’m calling no one a coward. If you’re still here with me, reading this, you are FAR from a coward! In fact, in order to be brave we must first face our fear! Only those who ignore their fears are cowards, those who survive and strive to recover from Depression are truly brave! Suicide is another action of fear, triggered by the action of Depression. As I was saying, we’re taught to think that depression is a state of mind, a thing, just like fear, anger, sadness, and so forth. But even those are actions as well–except fear, fear is the culprit, the “thing” at fault here.

And the opposite of fear, is love. So Love is a thing as well! Love has actions just like fear does, those actions are happiness, joy, contentment, peace, and so forth. All of these are Love’s actions. (There is probably a book out there all about this, but if there is, I haven’t read it, I discovered all this one my own, forgive me as I struggle to explain it all in a way that makes sense!)

It is important for us to remember, no matter how strong we are, who we are, or how strong our “support structure” is, we are all still fragile. While some of us are more so than others (both physically and mentally), we are all delicate and will shatter under the right pressure. Even if you don’t suffer from any forms of Depression, given the proper stresses and pressure, you too are capable of shattering. No one is free or safe from this fact. If you think you are, please allow this to be your cautionary “wake-up” call from that delusion. Forewarned is prepared after all.

I say this to all of you with all the love in my heart and concern my soul can send! I fell into the belief that I was “strong” and could easily conquer this horrible condition now that I have all the proper mental tools to combat it, and again, look at how easily I fell back into that icy slope! I didn’t even see it coming, and I was looking!

Since we are all so very fragile, we must be gentle with ourselves and to others. We cannot know what others “breaking points” are, and sometimes we can’t even know our own! Which is why it is so very important to take good care of ourselves and to keep into careful consideration others in our life.

I heard on TV New Years Eve someone say that this year’s motto was going to be “Be Kind, not Mean in 2017!” and I really liked that phrase! It also fits extremely well with what I’m trying to say here. Fill your words with kindness instead of brash and harsh words of hatred and cruelty. It doesn’t matter what others say or do first, don’t follow anger with anger, don’t answer hate with hate. Tit for tat never works for anyone. Instead, be the change of direction.

Forgive.

Forgiveness and compassion can change a mood faster than you can even realize! I’ve seen it happen first hand! A woman in our local store was in a very poor mood, snapping at passers by, flipping people off, bullying her way through the store. When we got to the checkout lane with a very full cart right before her, she snapped a very hateful response. I turned to apologize, saw she only had two items in her hands and offered to let her go first, with a smile, as though I hadn’t just heard her call me such hateful and evil things. She, at first, showed no signs of thankfulness and even muttered loudly “damn right to let me go first, ungrateful *bleep*, probably on fking food stamps too, I’m already paying for your fat assed food…” as I said, very hurtful and hateful. As she paid for her items, and put her card back in her purse, a friend stopped her and they chatted (in our way, she didn’t move out of the register lane really) while we checked out, as we paid, she glanced hatefully back to see our method of payment. We used no food stamps card, only a debit card and my husband’s discount card for working here. Her face fell, for the first time she looked ashamed. As we excused ourselves from her path (as I said, she was in the way) she stepped aside and just before we left the building, she caught up with us and quickly apologized for her actions and her words, she’d been accosted all day by greedy lazy “no goods” and by the “looks” of us, figured we were the same. She realized that looks aren’t what make the person, and she’d become no better than those she hated. After that short exchange, she hurried off with her friend.

I can say that her apology didn’t remove the hurtful things she said. Those words cut through me like a knife. I still feel tears gathering in my eyes remembering them. It threw me back into another downward spiral I refused to show my husband I felt. Again, I thought that was strength, but it was truly fear. I was afraid to let even myself see that words still hurt me deeply. I was afraid that I’d let down my husband by showing that I was still affected by what others said and thought of me. I thought my silence and inward struggling was strength to not show the world how deeply it affected me. Again, it was fear.

The reason I say we should stop “tit for tat” is because she had no way of knowing I was struggling with a vicious potentially terminal illness flatly labeled “Depression”. She couldn’t know those hateful words were enough to trigger me into thoughts of suicide to escape a body I have no control over, to escape a world and life that others obviously care nothing for. She was having a bad day. She thought only of herself and nothing of the impact those words had on other people. So let’s stop being selfish and start thinking of what others might be feeling and living through?

A gentle reminder that “I” am not the only being in the world with feelings. “My” bad day isn’t the fault of those around me. Make 2017 a year for breaking out of our thoughts of singularity and realize that there is no real “I” that there is only “we”. And “we” must work together if we’re going to make this world a better place.

Everything starts with “me”. If I don’t make a change, than you won’t make a change, and “he” won’t change, nor will “she”. This is why our world is in the sorry state it is. No one is willing to be that “change”. If we stand up together, put aside our need to lash out and blame others, we can be that change that is so very necessary in our world!

It all starts with one. One becomes many. Much like a riot, only let’s make this a riot of happiness and spread not violence but joy and peace!

No one deserves to feel like that lady made me feel in that store. No one has a right to say things like that to someone who has done nothing. Anger breeds only more anger and hatred. Let’s end the cycle.

It won’t be overnight, and could very well take decades before enough of us take control to really make a difference. But if it saves even a single life from feeling as though death is better than being humiliated and shamed publicly for being kind…than isn’t it worth it? If it saves a single life from feeling like the world is against him/her and life isn’t worth it, would that make it worth it?

Next time we become angry, let’s take a deep breath, and smile. Not a mean smile, but a nice one. Instead of an insult, say something positive. There is always something better to say. There is never a time when an insult is the only response. As I was raised “If you can’t find anything nice to say, say nothing at all”. So even silence is better.

Silence isn’t fear. Silence is bravery. It takes more courage to back down and be kind, than to be a coward and lash out!

I love you all and am wishing you all a very happy new year and all the best! I am going to try to post more often this year and to do more with my page as I intended to do last year. I admit I am still afraid of letting the world know my life and struggles with my depression, but if I don’t speak, the disease wins and its dark secrets will forever remain hidden in shadow! I am making it my life purpose to bring light to these shadows so that no one has to face them alone!

I am being your lantern. Be a lantern for someone else as well.

In Love and Light,

Tricia